My Brother SHI Tiesheng
By Shi Lan （史岚）
【In the 1980s and '90s, at Ditan Park （地坛公园）, you would often encounter a man in a wheelchair reading or deep in thought. That man was Shi Tiesheng. You could approach him to chat about favorite foods and snacks or discuss basketball and soccer. You might even talk about his novella Strings of Life (《命若琴弦》), adapted into a film by Chen Kaige. That man was Shi Tiesheng.】
Shi Lan (left) and Shi Tiesheng
I lifted my gaze towards the sky, which appeared as an immense pane of glass, boundless and infinite—behind that glass seemed to be another world, where people leaned close to it, peering down like passengers in a scenic elevator. Further inside, people moved back and forth, all dressed in black. Most had somber expressions, while some appeared to be in a rush. I can't recall what I was shouting but screamed desperately at that glass. Then he—my brother—somehow emerged from inside, suddenly standing right in front of me, just like when I was little, and he used to tease and tickle me on my way to kindergarten. He said, “Don’t cry. If you miss me in the future, just come here. You’ll see me through this glass.” I woke up. I’d never had such a vivid dream before—every detail was crystal clear, and I could even feel where he had playfully pinched me. It had been so long since we last saw each other; I truly miss him. If only I could often visit that glass, and perhaps when my time comes, we will reunite inside. Those early memories seem distant now, but they remain deeply etched in my heart, still as clear as ever.
▌My brother frequently lost his temper
My brother and I were more than twelve years apart in age. I still remember the day he left for Shaanxi to join the youth in the countryside (插队) called by Chairman Mao. My mother and I accompanied him to his school; her eyes were filled with tears. Not long after, we were also scheduled to be sent down to Yunnan for re-education (下放). One day, after school, I saw my mother crying. I didn’t dare ask why, but that night she told me that my brother had fallen ill, and we might have to return to Beijing. Shortly thereafter, my brother came back from Shaanxi. I vividly recall him walking with one hand against the wall, moving slowly. My father took him to see various doctors while also trying to re-enroll me in school. Due to my irregular schooling in Lijiang, the school leadership hesitated to accept me. My father had to bring up my brother’s name, as he was an exceptional alumnus of the school. Before long, my brother's walking became more labored, and he frequently lost his temper. I was terrified when I saw him throw a bowl of egg custard toward the ceiling, or when he tore the bed sheet into strips. I no longer knew how to cry. I watched as he swallowed a whole bottle of pills in one gulp, writhing in pain on the bed. I saw him reach for the power source, and in an instant, the entire building went dark. Soon, he was admitted to Youyi Hospital (友谊医院).
▌Working at the Street Factory
I clearly remember that he walked into the hospital with the support of the wall, but a year later, his friends had to carry him home on their backs. During that time, he read countless books and taught himself English. Later, he went to work at a small street factory. I visited him at the factory—a few low houses where elderly men and women painted landscapes and traditional beauties on old-fashioned furniture. The key to whether the beauties looked graceful lay in how my brother painted their faces. He was responsible for painting their features, referred to in their jargon as “opening the eyes.” On weekends, his small room would be crowded with his classmates, chatting, singing, and debating animatedly. Eventually, I noticed that he was filling up thick notebooks with his writing.
▌I Began to Think About Death
Although my brother’s condition had stabilized, for the time being, his permanent disability was inevitable. One day, my mother began vomiting blood profusely. My father and the neighbors rushed her into my brother’s wheelchair and took her to the hospital. She was suffering from massive internal bleeding due to cirrhosis and left us soon after. After her passing, we moved out of our small courtyard house in Yongkang and into two modest rooms on Yonghegong Street, No. 26. It was here that my brother's works began to be published. At that time, our home was frequently filled with visitors—his classmates, many of whom had been accepted into universities after the restoration of the national college entrance exam (高考), as well as writers and editors from the literary circle.
While everyone around me was pursuing their goals, I began to realize that something was wrong with me. I was in my second year of middle school, and from elementary through middle school, I had always ranked among the top students. But I found that in class, though I was watching the teacher speak, I had no idea what they were talking about. My mind seemed to be drifting, and my grades began to plummet. Sometimes, when I got home from school and saw an ambulance parked in front of our gate, my legs would give way beneath me. That was when I started thinking about death—if I could just die, all the pain would end. Yet, I still lacked the courage to follow through.
Shi Tiesheng as a child with his mother
▌Conversations in My Heart
On the afternoon of December 30, 2010, since our aunt wasn't around, I had to go to the hospital to bring my brother home. Just as I was about to leave, I received a message from him asking me to buy some buns for him to eat during dialysis. The moment I arrived home, I sensed something was wrong. He was still fully conscious and asked me to call for an ambulance. His condition worsened rapidly on the way to the hospital. I kept talking to him, but by then, he had barely any response. Friends started arriving one by one, and two doctors, Dr. Bai from Youyi Hospital and Dr. Ling from Xuanwu Hospital, also came to examine him. The conclusion was the harshest one imaginable...
I remember that years ago, during our casual conversations, we would often talk about life and death. I frequently asked him, “What is death, really? Does everything just disappear—nothing left at all?” He would answer, "Perhaps not. I'll find a way to let you know when I die." Now, I often think of his words and have conversations with him in my heart. I tell him, "I went to sweep our parents' graves. We visited Ditan Park (地坛) during Qingming Festival..." In his way, I know he is telling me that where he is now, there is no more pain; there, he can run and leap again.
Someone once said, "Shi Tiesheng may have lost his legs, but he walked farther than most able-bodied people." He had once believed that his life would end in his early twenties. Unexpectedly, he survived—and lived a life far richer than most. His status in the world of literature and thought has long been undervalued, and the anecdotes from his life are little known. One cannot truly understand Lu Xun without sufficient life experience; likewise, without enduring the depths of personal suffering, one cannot fully comprehend Shi Tiesheng. Beneath his calm prose surged a passion, imagination, and empathy that gave his readers the courage to face the unknown.
▌Reconciling with the World But Never Compromising with Fate
In 1972, at the age of 21, Shi Tiesheng was admitted to Beijing Youyi Hospital (友谊医院) due to severe back pain. A little over a year later, though he had walked into the hospital, he left on a stretcher, never to walk again. At 22, during what should have been the prime of his life, he was confined to a wheelchair. All the youthful dreams he had for the world were abruptly shattered. He was filled with frustration, resentment, bitterness, and despair, even to the point of gnashing his teeth. When people mocked him on the street, he sometimes fantasized about strapping explosives to himself and bringing them down with him. But when life reaches its lowest point, any direction you move is upward. His mindset shifted as he read more and delved deeper into his thoughts. When faced with the mockery of others, he no longer felt anger but rather pity for them. Deep down, he had reconciled with the world. His knowledge and intellectual breadth had expanded to dismiss those who jeered at him quickly.
▌Not Only Resisting Personal Fate But Also Proclaiming the Spirit of the Age
During the 1980s and 90s, the tide of marketization swept China with overwhelming force. Writers of that era hurriedly took up their pens to defend idealism, but their methods of resistance were outdated. They drew on the intellectual resources of the 1950s and 60s, arming themselves with a collective idealism. Shi Tiesheng, however, was an exception. He abandoned collective idealism and instead wielded personal idealism to cut through the fog of reality. Inadvertently, he opened a path of thought that an entire generation would follow. Even today, we continue to walk the road he paved. Scholar Xu Jilin (许纪霖) once called him "the most absurdist writer of modern China." Yet Shi viewed it all lightly, saying, "It's because I live that I must write."
The renowned writer Chen Cun （陈村）once remarked: Though he is no longer with us, the memory of him remains. To commemorate this great writer, on the tenth anniversary of Shi Tiesheng’s passing in 2020, the "Night of Writing" series specially released Tiesheng, Tiesheng (《铁生 铁生》), a three-volume set. These volumes contain heartfelt recollections from Shi’s family and relatives, the brotherly reminiscences of his classmates and fellow friends (插友) from the 'Up to the Mountains and Down to the Countryside' movement, and discussions and reflections from writers, scholars, and friends. For those wishing to understand, admire, and deeply appreciate Shi Tiesheng, this collection offers a journey through his growth—both in life, spirit, and soul.
In honor of Shi Tiesheng, a “spiritual beacon” of Chinese literature, the Prophet Bookstore (先知书店) sincerely recommends Tiesheng, Tiesheng: A Decade of Shi Tiesheng’s Memorial (《铁生 铁生：史铁生十年祭》). The book is rich in detail and beautifully written, featuring fresh, original material, exclusive photographs, and genuine emotions. It uncovers the lesser-known Shi Tiesheng behind his writings and explores the source of his literary miracles and spiritual values.
For those interested, scan the QR code below to add this collection to your library easily. This book is an invaluable resource for readers seeking to gain a fuller understanding of Shi Tiesheng and a deeper comprehension of his works and literary achievements.
Source: "Beijing Youth Daily," December 31, 2011, Shi Lan (《北京青年报》2011.12.31 史岚)
